Disorganized Love In Affair: Why You Push And Pull Away

Have you ever wondered why a love in an affair can make you so happy one day and so sad the next?

Relationships are funny things. We all want to feel loved. We all want to feel safe. But sometimes, a love in affair turns into a confusing mess. You might fight over small things. You might feel like your partner is too far away. Or, you might feel like they are smothering you.

Why does this happen?

The secret is not about who you are dating. The secret is inside your own brain. It is called your “attachment style.”

Once you understand your attachment style, your whole love in affair will start to make sense. You will stop blaming your partner. You will start healing yourself.

What Is an Attachment Style?

Think of your brain like a computer. When you were a little kid, your brain downloaded a program. This program taught you how to treat other people. It also taught you to expect how other people will treat you.

This program is your attachment style.

It all depends on how your parents or caregivers acted when you were young.

• Did they feed you when you cried?

• Did they hug you when you were scared?

• Or were they busy, angry, or absent?

If your caregivers were warm and safe, you downloaded a good program. If they were messy or scary, you downloaded a program full of bugs.

When you grow up and start a love in affair, you run that old childhood program. You do not mean to do it. It just happens automatically.

The Four Styles in a Love In Affair

There are four main attachment styles. Let’s look at how each one acts in a real-life love in affair.

1. Secure Attachment

This is the best style to have. People with a secure style had caregivers who were steady and kind.

How they act in a love in affair: They are not afraid to get close to someone. They trust their partner. If they get into a fight, they do not panic. They talk about the problem calmly. They do not play games. They say what they feel.

If you have this style, your love in affair is probably very calm and happy. You know you are worthy of love.

2. Anxious Attachment

People with an anxious style often had unpredictable parents. Sometimes the parent was loving. Sometimes the parent ignored them. The child never knew what to expect.

How they act in a love in affair: They worry all the time. They need constant proof that their partner loves them. They might text their partner fifty times a day. If the partner takes a long time to reply, the anxious person thinks, “They are leaving me!”

In a love in affair, an anxious person can seem “needy” or “clingy.” But they are not bad people. They are just terrified of being abandoned.

3. Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant style often had parents who did not show emotion. Maybe the parents were very strict. Maybe they told the child to “stop crying” when the child was hurt. The child learned to hide their feelings.

How they act in a love in affair: They value their freedom more than anything. As soon as a love in affair gets serious, they feel trapped. They might pull away suddenly. They might stop texting. If their partner wants to talk about feelings, the avoidant person changes the subject.

They want love, but they hate feeling smothered. So, they keep their partner at arm’s length to stay safe.

4. Disorganized Attachment

Usually happens when a child is hurt or scared by the people who are supposed to protect them.

How they act in a love in affair: They are scared of love, but they want it badly. A love in affair with a disorganized person is a rollercoaster. One day, they are madly in love. The next day, they are cold and mean. They push their partner away, and then they get angry when the partner actually leaves.

They live in a state of constant fear and confusion.

Why Do We Pick the Wrong People?

Here is a crazy fact: we do not usually pick people who are good for us. We pick people who feel familiar.

This is why an anxious person often falls in love with an avoidant person.

The anxious person chases. The avoidant person runs away. The anxious person chases harder. The avoidant person hides.

This creates a very toxic love in affair. But it feels like “true love” to them because it matches their old childhood program. The anxious person feels the same anxiety they felt as a kid. The avoidant person feels the same distance they felt as a kid.

It is a painful loop. But you can break it.

How to Have a Better Love In Affair

You cannot change your partner. But you can change yourself. Here are three simple steps to fix your love in affair.

Step 1: Find Your Style

Read the four styles above again. Be honest with yourself. Which one sounds like you? Do not feel ashamed. Just notice it. Awareness is the first step to healing.

Step 2: Stop Playing Games

If you are anxious, stop sending ten texts in a row. Put your phone down. Breathe. If you are avoidant, stop running away when things get hard. Stay in the room. Talk.

Tell your partner what you are doing. You can say, “I feel scared right now, and I want to run away. But I am going to stay and talk.” This changes everything in a love in affair.

Step 3: Choose a Secure Partner

If you are single, make a rule for yourself. Only date secure people. At first, a secure partner might feel “boring” to you. You might think there is no spark. But that is just your brain tricking you. Give the nice, calm person a chance. They are the ones who will bring you peace.

Step 4: Get Help

Sometimes, childhood pain is too big to fix alone. A therapist can help you rewrite your brain’s program. There is no shame in getting help to save your love in affair.

Conclusion

To sum up this article, a love in affair is much more than just two people dating. It is a mirror reflecting your earliest childhood experiences. Your attachment style—whether it is secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—controls how you act, how you fight, and how you love.

Anxious people worry too much. Avoidant people run away. Disorganized people push and pull. But secure people enjoy a calm and happy connection.

The good news is that you are not stuck. You are not a robot programmed to fail. By learning about your attachment style, you can wake up from the old patterns. You can stop chasing, stop running, and start communicating. With a little self-awareness and patience, you can heal your old wounds and build a beautiful, healthy love in affair that lasts a lifetime.