Five years later. So much has happened since that initial declaration to be honest about my needs and desires. I’ve been surprised, disappointed, in love, hurt, bored, married (!!), and heartbroken. Most thought-provoking, observing traditional relationships through this lens reveals certain things about today’s society and the modern state of romance. Our tendency to link honesty of character with one’s sexual conduct, the zero-sum nature of the casual dating game, and the dangerously possessive attitudes society encourages regarding sex, love, and trust are becoming more apparent from an outsider’s perspective.
How did your friends/family react to the news that you are living this life?
When I come out to family, friends, or anyone, I usually get a variety of reactions. There is usually an “aha!” moment of surprise before the curiosity, ridicule, acceptance, and general judgment of my personality begin. Overall, the reaction from my peers has been very positive, as our generation seems to be much more open-minded about sexuality. Among my close friends, my lifestyle choices were accepted. However, the majority of people I have casually dated did not react as positively.
1Oh, let me elaborate. How do the men/women you have
Casually dated feel about you sharing that about them?
Surprisingly, men were much more judgmental. Queer women tended to analyze their place in the larger social structure and were more open to casual dating in a casual environment. Most of the men were initially flattered that the “taken” women were interested in them, but their inflated egos quickly disappeared once they realized that my casual dating partners knew about my dates. Additionally, the men generally admitted that they felt like they were invading other men’s territory, but my partners themselves said they had no problem with the arrangement at all. Overall, people seem to be more interested and amused by the idea of sneaking around with someone’s partner than the uncommon and open way I’ve decided to live my life.
That’s interesting. Overall, what do you think about the rules of casual dating in the 21st century?
When I first entered the world of casual dating at age 23, I was surprised by all the unspoken rules about commitment. Doesn’t message right away, or you’ll come across as overeager. Casual dating is about lying to get casual dating. To be honest, it didn’t make sense to me, as I’m open about expressing my desires, but “that’s the game” was the typical answer. Imagine my surprise when I heard from male friends that they broke up because they felt rejected by women when they revealed that they just wanted sex, or because women started manipulating them and asking them to invite them to sex. Relationships. To be honest, even though we went from sharing milkshakes to getting penis pictures from strangers, the casual dating game was always dysfunctional.
Ha! So does being non-monogamy affect these rules?
When you start a casual dating game with different rules, established power dynamics tend to break down. I couldn’t tolerate people being intentionally ambiguous or treating me badly for long periods, and eventually, I had to go through a binary process as a potential partner. Maybe it was because I had a great guy back home, but (most of the time) I didn’t feel like someone was cheating on me for any reason other than to stroke their ego.
Non-monogamy seems to require a lot of communication. Is this the case for “normal” people when it comes to casual dating?
Unfortunately not. It’s heartbreaking to see so many of my friends going through confusion and distress just because they don’t feel like they can bring something up in a conversation with their significant other. There are countless cases where people claim that they have issues with their partner’s casual dating but feel it eviscerates or upsets their socialized power balance.
